Montecito Mama

Eight years ago today, my beloved first pet, Captain Holly, died. He was a blue parakeet and a gift from my first boyfriend in high school. (Which was only one of the reasons for the love-hate relationship he shared with Rob.) He slept at the foot of our bed when Rob and I first got married. He sat on the mascara wand when I got ready in the morning. He even had his own stocking on the hearth at Christmas. Although I never convinced him to say anything other than his beautiful bird songs, he was a big part of my life for 12 years. Sometimes Grayson and I will go into pet stores and look at the parakeets to see if we can find the one that looks most like Captain. None of them ever capture his essence; they all know they are birds. Captain, I think, felt blessed to be the only flying member of the family.

I'm sure all you scurvy dogs are aware that today is "International Talk Like A Pirate Day." In honor of the holiday, you mateys can have your landlubber name translated on this site to a pirate name: http://gangstaname.com/pirate_name.php You'll be walking the plank if you don't refer to my own seafaring crew for the next fortnight as: Janice: Pirate Jen the Cash-Strapped Rob: Cap'n Fruity McBeerbong Grayson: "Tripod" Maurice Scarr Lucie: Pirate Yvette the Sword Test Dummy Harry Fish: Not-so-keen-on-the-women Ron I only hope there is buried treasure ahead. Yarrr!

In honor of Harry Connick, Jr's 40th birthday today, I post this clip for your viewing pleasure:

The first day of school was marked by equal parts joy and emotional instability. And Grayson was just as bad. I was prepared for his clothing crisis, after experiencing similar traumas on every major holiday in recent history, and successfully talked him off the ledge with lots of gentle but confident words and a final push out the door. (Although the complaint, that he was trying too hard to look cool, not normal, was a new and dramatic twist.) The teenage angst continued on the walk to school. I was walked ahead, he followed behind at a safe distance. He refused to pose for pictures in front of the sign. He didn't want to be shown the bathroom location, or hear about whether his backpack contained milk money or a juice box. He was calm, cool and in-control. If he owned a Fedora, it would have been tipped at a jaunty angle with one eye looking out at the ladies. Until we reached room 3. Thin little arms cinched my waist like a belt. Size 12 Converse scaled my legs like a coconut t...

Rob: "We got a new Netflix movie today. Fiddler on the Roof." Janice: "Oh good! We can all watch it together tonight!" Grayson: "But how are we going to get it down?" Rob, Janice: "Huh?" Grayson: "If Dad put the movie on the roof, how are we going to get it down?"

Lucie's taste for strange and dangerous items has hit an all-time low: I found her chewing this morning on the caulking that bonds the toilet to the bathroom tile. Does the hospital's hepatitis ward take advance reservations?